I've been gone from my warm, safe nest now for over a week, traveling with my husband, daughter
and sister-in-law. This was to be a short close to home vacation, what with the rising price of gas and airline tickets. Now I wish I had traveled to some foreign country, where the main vehicle of transportation is the camel, populated with dark swarthy men in sweaty turbans and where no one speaks English, because that is certainly where I would have dumped my sister-in-law, and for the sake of brevity, shall be known throughout this post as the Aunt from Hell or AFH. This AFH never had any responsibilities in her entire life, never had to pay rent, never had a real job, never had any bills, except maybe her Macy's, her Visa and her Tri-Care medical bills, which she promptly ignores.
and sister-in-law. This was to be a short close to home vacation, what with the rising price of gas and airline tickets. Now I wish I had traveled to some foreign country, where the main vehicle of transportation is the camel, populated with dark swarthy men in sweaty turbans and where no one speaks English, because that is certainly where I would have dumped my sister-in-law, and for the sake of brevity, shall be known throughout this post as the Aunt from Hell or AFH. This AFH never had any responsibilities in her entire life, never had to pay rent, never had a real job, never had any bills, except maybe her Macy's, her Visa and her Tri-Care medical bills, which she promptly ignores. As parents to our 10 year old daughter, we are older than most other parents of the same school age child. But one thing we have over them is that we do look and most certainly act 10 years younger than most. What I am trying to say here is that we are still mobile, agile and in pretty good shape. AFH on the other hand, has never exercised a day in her life, never stepped on a treadmill, (except for that one time when I made her go on the treadmill in our hotel in San Diego. I had set the speed on 2.0 mph and she nearly fell flat on her face all the while screaming I can't, I can't
!). With no husband, no family of her own, her main focus in life now is food, 30 years ago it would have been scamming to get into that after concert party to meet some performing artist, altho she sometimes lapse into that groupie mentality worshipping the likes of Toby Keith and thinking of herself as 20 something.
!). With no husband, no family of her own, her main focus in life now is food, 30 years ago it would have been scamming to get into that after concert party to meet some performing artist, altho she sometimes lapse into that groupie mentality worshipping the likes of Toby Keith and thinking of herself as 20 something. So here we find ourselves in Lake Tahoe, with what should have been a peaceful, tranquil, rejuvenating vacation, if not for the AFH. It's probably my fault. Three years ago, I suffered traveling with AFH and got a good dose of her traveling style, disaster! Three years ago she was to catch a flight out of LAX to meet up with us in Atlanta for a joint flight to Germany. Of course, if anything could go wrong, it will with the AFH. Her flight was delayed in LAX, she missed the connection in Atlanta, got on a flight that took her to Munich by way of Barcelona through Paris. With her luggage standing still in Atlanta, what else?! I couldn't expect anything less. I guess three years ago I had much more patience, because I was three years younger, pleeze! If I were to liken AFH to an animal it would be, you know what, I can't think of an animal that would describe her, even a turtle moves faster than her. If we have to be ready to leave to go somewhere, I have to lie and tell her we need to be out an hour earlier than we need, just to leave an hour later than we're supposed to, get it? She takes forever to get ready and this just mystifies me. S
he wears no make-up, doesn't blow dry her hair, what could she be doing? I'm picturing maybe plucking the hairs on her legs one by one with the tweezers, (she's fond of tweezers!). And of course all that talk about her not exercising leaves the impression that she is fat, no? Well, not to burst your bubble, she is what I call, overly Rubenesque, or mildly chunky. And with that, she is also type 2 Diabetic. This of course is a disaster for her, lover of chocolate, food, and all things edible. Of course, she talks about how she watches what she eats and tries in vain to diet. Let me point out an example of how she diets. We went to Virginia City, I thought it might be a cute day trip and take our minds off killing each other. Upon approaching the city, it has only one main street, we park and then decide we need to eat lunch. AFH has only one thought in her mind, the BBQ, beef jerky store she saw on the way into town. Nevermind what we all wanted. Of course AFH couldn't remember where it was exactly, so I trudge her into the visitor center, where a kindly old lady tells us it's not a lunch cafe, but really a store. Whew, saved! We then take the kind old lady's suggestion to eat at The Palace, really good pulled pork sandwiches but don't get the Reuben-soggy! AFH orders a sandwich (plus 2 diet cokes), but pulls out all the ingredients and leaves the bread (she can't eat carbs, so why order a sandwich?) AFH continually does this the entire trip. I asked her why not just order a salad then? Later that day after eating a pound of fudge, it's out to Chinese food, where AFH wipes the sweet sauce off her Chinese sweet and sour pork! Why? I just want to scream! I just don't get it.
he wears no make-up, doesn't blow dry her hair, what could she be doing? I'm picturing maybe plucking the hairs on her legs one by one with the tweezers, (she's fond of tweezers!). And of course all that talk about her not exercising leaves the impression that she is fat, no? Well, not to burst your bubble, she is what I call, overly Rubenesque, or mildly chunky. And with that, she is also type 2 Diabetic. This of course is a disaster for her, lover of chocolate, food, and all things edible. Of course, she talks about how she watches what she eats and tries in vain to diet. Let me point out an example of how she diets. We went to Virginia City, I thought it might be a cute day trip and take our minds off killing each other. Upon approaching the city, it has only one main street, we park and then decide we need to eat lunch. AFH has only one thought in her mind, the BBQ, beef jerky store she saw on the way into town. Nevermind what we all wanted. Of course AFH couldn't remember where it was exactly, so I trudge her into the visitor center, where a kindly old lady tells us it's not a lunch cafe, but really a store. Whew, saved! We then take the kind old lady's suggestion to eat at The Palace, really good pulled pork sandwiches but don't get the Reuben-soggy! AFH orders a sandwich (plus 2 diet cokes), but pulls out all the ingredients and leaves the bread (she can't eat carbs, so why order a sandwich?) AFH continually does this the entire trip. I asked her why not just order a salad then? Later that day after eating a pound of fudge, it's out to Chinese food, where AFH wipes the sweet sauce off her Chinese sweet and sour pork! Why? I just want to scream! I just don't get it. I know this may sound petty, but that combined with everything else, just tries my patience. Like her walking ability, or lack thereof. I think I pretty much walk the walk of the every day person, not too fast, not too slow. I can keep up with the pace of the human race. AFH on the other hand cannot walk and talk at the same time, let alone walk. When she walks and then talks, she has to stop to emphasis her conversation. Then she takes a couple of more steps, and stops, a couple more steps and stops. Can I start screaming now? We almost had a screaming knock down drag out fight in the Montbleu Casino after grazing at their buffet (which I might add is really good!). AFH screams at me that I am walking too fast! Her words, "You walk so fast you walk like a man!" If my daughter wasn't present, I would have shown her, I can also hit like a man too! I shoulda said, you walk like a 90 year old person! You should have seen her walk through the airport, you would have thought she was at a museum the way she was just sauntering!
Other annoying things the AFH does is talk incessantly to strangers, either yelling at them or cooing with them, complains about the heat if it goes over 62 degrees, hates female waitresses, long lines, rude people, flying, long car rides, and bad food, just to name a few.
I was never so happy to step off the plane in Las Vegas, in the sweltering 105 heat, kiss the hot pavement, pick up my lovable chihuahuas, knowing that the AFH was touching down in LAX and that I would be free of her until our next vacation or not!
:( Single D
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